Things decidedly took a toll on its own and for that, maybe it was something I probably needed. I needed to be someone who had to be independent. And to be honest, I could honestly say I did quite well for that. But having no best friend by my side, and with only amazing good friends, it was like I'm glad I'm alone and I'm glad I'm alone, with these people.
In December, a week ago, I was invited to Terry's BBQ Party on Christmas Eve. Going there with Henrietta and Ee Ru, seeing someone whom I ended a friendship with, was awkward on a level of its own but not so much of a bother for me. Over the years I've made new friends and I've ended friendships with some of these new friends, I've also ended friendships with other people, and there were those kind of friendships that ended that I didn't choose myself. I guess, it's to say, who cares, you're just one man out there, and every man for himself. And maybe it did affect me for months, and even up till now, but I'm glad I'm where I really am because I decide for myself. I think for myself and I learn to assess problems myself. Yes, you can say that's too much of an anti-social, but honestly, I've been too much of a sociable person that maybe being anti-social right now is something that's not only beneficial but also, a complementary form to my sociable character.
Looking back, yes, I know you might be reading this, and to those who don't know anything, just look at the tagboard on this blog (clearly it appears that I might have not moved on, but I will), I guess I have this to say to you, and even though you texted me just now and yes, I may have actually talked to you like we're still friends forever but I have to get this out of my head. I'm a coward and I am not good with words. If it's one thing I've learnt about myself this year, it's that I'm not good with words. I'm not good with expressing my feelings out with words. I may try, yes, I may succeed at times, but I know I fail, and that often happens.
So, maybe I've told you this before in text but I just have to say this out, otherwise you're not gonna understand why I feel this way with you. And yes what I've said, wasn't all that, it was much more than that and I guess the reason why it's bugging me whenever I reply your messages, it's because of this. You may know it, you may feel guilty for it and apologetic, like what you mentioned in your text, but if this is gonna make you feel worst than guilt, I'm sorry, that's not what I set out to do here. I need to clear my mind if I'm ever going to want to move on this year.
The fact that you decided love was worth it, that friendship with your own best friend wasn't worth it at all, it's just, to me, like as if I'm replaceable. I don't know what you think about that but this is what I feel. I feel like if you're going to choose a boyfriend over your best friend, it's just something unethical, for me, for maybe almost everyone, and yes when you first texted me, while you were still with him, it affected me and I decided to be ignorant to your subsequent messages, while you were with him or not. Because what I felt, was "You're with him. You're telling me how remorseful you feel. You're just going to send me a message discreetly like I'm not supposed to exist.". And that's what I felt. Even as things, supposedly became better, when the situation got so out of hand that you broke up with him, for good, it still didn't change things the way it was. Whether he was a jerk, a girl, an asshole, an abusive idiot, you decided to give me up, for him. That's what that happened, and breaking up with him, wasn't gonna change the fact that you chose love over friendship. I just got to say this, and I'm absolutely not out to hurt your feelings, even though what was said kinda defamed you, no. I need to let you know how I feel. And after you read this, whenever, I just want you to know, that throughout all this, I really hope things were back they were, but I don't know how we should solve this. Honestly.
In December, a week ago, I was invited to Terry's BBQ Party on Christmas Eve. Going there with Henrietta and Ee Ru, seeing someone whom I ended a friendship with, was awkward on a level of its own but not so much of a bother for me. Over the years I've made new friends and I've ended friendships with some of these new friends, I've also ended friendships with other people, and there were those kind of friendships that ended that I didn't choose myself. I guess, it's to say, who cares, you're just one man out there, and every man for himself. And maybe it did affect me for months, and even up till now, but I'm glad I'm where I really am because I decide for myself. I think for myself and I learn to assess problems myself. Yes, you can say that's too much of an anti-social, but honestly, I've been too much of a sociable person that maybe being anti-social right now is something that's not only beneficial but also, a complementary form to my sociable character.
Looking back, yes, I know you might be reading this, and to those who don't know anything, just look at the tagboard on this blog (clearly it appears that I might have not moved on, but I will), I guess I have this to say to you, and even though you texted me just now and yes, I may have actually talked to you like we're still friends forever but I have to get this out of my head. I'm a coward and I am not good with words. If it's one thing I've learnt about myself this year, it's that I'm not good with words. I'm not good with expressing my feelings out with words. I may try, yes, I may succeed at times, but I know I fail, and that often happens.
So, maybe I've told you this before in text but I just have to say this out, otherwise you're not gonna understand why I feel this way with you. And yes what I've said, wasn't all that, it was much more than that and I guess the reason why it's bugging me whenever I reply your messages, it's because of this. You may know it, you may feel guilty for it and apologetic, like what you mentioned in your text, but if this is gonna make you feel worst than guilt, I'm sorry, that's not what I set out to do here. I need to clear my mind if I'm ever going to want to move on this year.
The fact that you decided love was worth it, that friendship with your own best friend wasn't worth it at all, it's just, to me, like as if I'm replaceable. I don't know what you think about that but this is what I feel. I feel like if you're going to choose a boyfriend over your best friend, it's just something unethical, for me, for maybe almost everyone, and yes when you first texted me, while you were still with him, it affected me and I decided to be ignorant to your subsequent messages, while you were with him or not. Because what I felt, was "You're with him. You're telling me how remorseful you feel. You're just going to send me a message discreetly like I'm not supposed to exist.". And that's what I felt. Even as things, supposedly became better, when the situation got so out of hand that you broke up with him, for good, it still didn't change things the way it was. Whether he was a jerk, a girl, an asshole, an abusive idiot, you decided to give me up, for him. That's what that happened, and breaking up with him, wasn't gonna change the fact that you chose love over friendship. I just got to say this, and I'm absolutely not out to hurt your feelings, even though what was said kinda defamed you, no. I need to let you know how I feel. And after you read this, whenever, I just want you to know, that throughout all this, I really hope things were back they were, but I don't know how we should solve this. Honestly.
-A day after the BBQ, my family and I went to Malacca together on Christmas Day, and let me just tell you that it was the worst trip ever and the worst Christmas ever. One of my family members became insanely, and I mean really, insanely, paranoid and so controlling, so angry and so insensitive, it pissed everyone of us off. I guess Malacca wasn't that fun, probably because we didn't do much. We only went to two shopping centres just opposite our hotel and a Jonke Street a few blocks away. That was all. I guess if it was a longer trip, we could have explored many other areas. That being said, I'm not one that's happy if this particular family member is going to go travelling with me in future. It's not only happened once, but so many times, since our first family trip together.
Having been to Germany without my family was like pure bliss and peace. I know, I really didn't want to go back because I wasn't looking forward to all the drama my family will always have, and the environment in Singapore, a majority of rude and ugly-inside Singaporeans. I'm not the finest polite man ever but I try to be a gentleman, but with so many rude people, it just brings out the rudeness in me, it's so ugly. Which is why, I need a shift in environment, possibly international. And of course, having been to Germany, made me compare this trip to my Malacca trip, and seeing that Germany trip was so much better, it made me depressed being in Malacca, with my family. I don't hate my family, I love them, but sometimes being away without them, is just something I really need. It's too chaotic.
But one thing amazing was that we went to a music lounge to drink. Hahahahaha.-
A few days or more, before my Malacca trip, I met up with the flightmates to Germany, the beloved ladies: Rossiana, Sarah, Dian, Hanan. We wanted to include the rest but we felt it was too big a clique and within our clique we were just closest to each other, and obviously, we missed each other a lot so we had to meet up sooner or later. It was amazing, ladies! I enjoyed our time together at Settler's Cafe and at Orchard, shopping! :D I love you all!
-Ivy's birthday was on the 22nd December and we met a new friend, who is a friend of Daryll, but anyway, celebrating Ivy's 18th birthday at McDonald's, like we literally paid for the kids' party, was like, SERIOUSLY? Hahahaha, but it was fun, I guess! Nothing much happened, we ate in the afternoon till 3 p.m., and when we travelled to Bugis after that, we ate again. Kinda waste of my steamboat money because I didn't eat much, I guess I was full, but anyway, the steamboat was nice!
-Deepavali at Bivithara's house! It was about 10 months since we've last seen each other (in reference to Tresharene and Bivithara), seriously! I really missed them a lot and as much as I emphasize, those two girls and another girl who wasn't there, Daryll and I, and a few other 'accomplices' were literally the bullies of the class. Hahahaha, we would disturb and tease and annoy the shit out of our classmates, insulting them and just irritating them. But, I didn't regret one bit. I know it was mean and all but it was the best time of my life, in Secondary school, with them. I met Tresharene in Secondary 1 and we may have our quarrels and fights, and we both may have been under police cases before but, she and I, we're just the best and the most fun pair ever, we have lots of fun laughing, making jokes, disturbing people, it was so criminal that we laughed at people. But, it was definitely memorable as well.
-Another two Indian girls (is Sri Lankan indian?) I met in MI. Now they aren't exactly the naughtiest and they don't bring out the mean jerk in me but they're awesome, nice and incredibly mature. What astounds me when I first met them was their plain maturity. Of course, we do have our childish fun at times but, they are just really mature. They seek advice and they give advice and they think and assess situations, it's just something I've not seen in a while in so many people. And there are a few mature people I know. Elizabeth and Melathi, everyone!
I got my first antique camera and I'm thinking of collecting old cameras. I think it's going to be my hobby for when I'm financially stable.
Sixu's 18th birthday
My 18th birthday
Jasmine's 18th birthday. The three Libras of the clique.
German exchange programme where Finja, Nike and Janik came over, hosted by Esther, Hanan, Audrey and Valera, respectively, Hanan and Audrey having hosted Nike together, obviously not simultaneously. They were a lovely group!
My first discovery within myself: the ability to cycle. LOL.
In July, celebrating Woon Yee's 18th birthday. Pictures of Jameson's 18th, Alice's 19th, Daryll's 18th and Cai Jia's 18th are not up here, sorry!-
My whole family, including relatives. First row (L to R): Joel, Edwin, Mom, Aunt #2, Aunt #1, Tabitha. Second row (L to R): Uncle #1, Gabriel, Leonard, Dad, Me, Uncle #2, Zack, Zeke. We're the talk-cock cousins. Hahaha. It was Aunt Polly and Uncle Soon Lee's 25th Anniversary!
-Transcendence, in May, was an amazing experience, having seated amongst the audience. It was then when I thought, "Thank God I'm not in Photography club now otherwise I'd be walking around, and not enjoying, in my own comfort.".
-The rest of the pictures below, taken in Germany. The major highlight of the year goes to Germany. Nostalgia's still going on, but slightly fading away now, but it'll be one thing that I'll never ever forget in the many many many years to come. The friends I've made there, the amazing families I've stayed with, the friends I went to Germany with, the environment, the snow, the weather, the lifestyle, everything was a magical experience. 24th November - 15th December, the most amazing period of my life, since half-legal.
As you can see, there were so many downfalls that happened in the second half of the year, but it was all thanks to my Germany trip that made it all better, honestly. I wouldn't have gone Germany with anyone else but my friends. I wouldn't have stayed with anyone else but those families I've stayed with. They were just wonderful and amazing. Thinking of this now makes me incredibly nostalgic, missing them so dearly. So I'll make this fast, I love you all!
Dike. Sliding down the steep hill on a sledge.
Clubbing at Lokhaus (second time clubbing this year), and partying at Nantje's house.
Malek, the nicest person ever. It's funny how quickly we got close to each other where we'd talk about many different topics, religion, weird people, his Dad's amazing garden of a wide variety of the coolest plants and flowers, and so many more. He's my Arabian brother. Hahahaha.
Bennet, I met him earlier in the year! Staying with his family was fun, honestly, we didn't bond as much, because there weren't so much of family time together, but we have tried to bond, by playing games as one family. And it was pleasantly amazing too! Of course I'll miss you guys!
-Our departure for our second flight. Still strong and awake.
The only picture of me crying. Hahaha. Yes, ich liebe das Lafi familie :)
Meeting our hosts for the first time (for some, for the second)!
To 2011.
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