Scene Two Take Four, Action

Amrit doing my make-up. Notice my hair's flat? Hahaha.
Amrit doing Ezzat's make-up.

A clearer view of me with flat hair and Ezzat with flat hair too. Hahaha.

Amalina Shalan (she says Amalina is nothing without Shalan, hahaha). True inspiration to me and probably many other youths. When I first met her, I really didn't know her, but on the filming day itself I got to know her and because of that, it's fun to disturb her too. HAHA! What about her that's so inspiring yet fun-to-disturb? Well, she is really pure and very innocent in a way, when someone says 'boobs' or 'vagina' or some really vulgar word, she'd be, "Eh, there are other words in your vocabulary you could use". Or, if you want to change, you must never change in front of her because she'll scream and run away. So so, it's fun to disturb her because we'd be like, "Ama, you cannot think about these type of dirty things okay", then she'll blush and cover her face and shout, "NOOOOO!". Hahahaha.

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Apart from that amusing me, I think it's also an inspiration. When I first met her, I reached out my hands to shake hers and she was like, "Sorry, I can't shake hands". I then realised it was because she was following the laws of being a Muslim and she didn't want to have any physical contact with a guy. But it's her way of life being a person of decency and a marker of good-impression. In other words, I like how she doesn't want to hear vulgarities. Although she scolds us (but we end up laughing) when we say a vulgarity, I myself would never even scold anyone who is... 'vulgaritised'.

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And I swear, I used to be like that. I used to scold people who used vulgarities and I changed -- and it's NOT because of my friends I was with. Back then, I was a devoted Christian and I truly truly got 'cleansed' through church camps in a sense that, the activities in church camps changed me totally like, everytime before I speak a vulgarity, I'd think, God, help me not to say it. And overtime, it worked and I really didn't speak any vulgarities for a long time.

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That was when I slackened spiritually. I became really scientific and started questioning the existence of God -- in my heart. I didn't talk to anyone about it. I was starting to think if God was even real because he's never done anything for me (that's because of a really bad pre-relationship -- like like, I'm so freaking lonely, I want to have someone to love and I love this person and I can't have this person, can God just give me a sign that she likes me?) and I always cried thinking why I wasn't helped in my love life at all.

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I stopped church two years ago (It was in Seconday 4 before 'N' Levels) because I've done a sin that no one knows. It's my biggest regret and each time I thought of it, I became depressed. But now, it's gone out of me because along the way when I wasn't attending church still, I asked for forgiveness and it cleanses me. Now, I'm not having a spiritual talk with you guys, I'm just telling you, there's a God out there -- be it Allah or Jesus Christ. There IS a God -- because without God, we wouldn't have the complexity of DNAs and the brain.

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So when I met Amalina, I was reminded of how innocent I used to be, and standing next to her, a human form of evil who has done all sorts of manipulation and evil (harrassment, mischief) and etcetra, was Eugene Syn. I can't say I'm evil now because I really am trying -- not since I met Amalina, but since I found out how I couldn't live with being labelled as EVIL. But, having met Amalina, it makes me feel that I should pursue my journey into an 'evilless' life.

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I still do not intend to go to church but I am a Christian and at times when I get really pissed, I deny God just to spite my parents and it's not a good thing okay and I'm not really proud of it and seeing that I'm publishing it here, it means I want you guys to know, don't ever deny your faith. And about being scientific, it's true, I think I'm like an illuminati. If you don't know what's illuminati, watch Angels & Demons. Awesome film. I'm looking for the novel too.

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And it's not that I will just change and stop using vulgarities. I have been trying and it's sometimes hard because it just comes out of your mouth. So from now on, my resolution is to try not to use too much of vulgarities!

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And I can't believe I'm getting all really wise and shit but yeah, meet Amalina. =)

I look kind of idiotic here! Heh!

Over the few days of filming & acting, I just want to say a few words about the crew! Jeremy (above, right), the Director, is mature and precise and like seriously, not many people can be a director and voice out what they're trying to portray in the scene -- especially people like me, who'll just stumble and be misunderstood by people.

Nurul, a perfectionist who is very scary and will suddenly just get angry at you. But I admire her capabilities and her viewpoints too! En Ci, Chloe, Sharon are the people who have contributed so much. Amrit who really helps you get into the mood for the scene! Amalina, as mentioned above! Awesome crew.

The blood looks damn realistic!

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That's about it!

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Today: Rather different day. There were sporadic moments when I was really high and it seriously sickens me sometimes because people deem it as attention-seeking and I am seriously way past that. So I must try to really cut down on all of these somewhat so-called attention-seeking moments. It's true. People think I seek attention and just to let you know, I sincerely and genuinely have no intention in getting attention. I'm just loud, like, I MUST RESPOND like as if it's against my principles or something I totally don't like or whatever. The last time that happened, I had a fail grade in my 'O' Level certificate.

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Anyway, a rather long day with only three lectures. One was about Maths, the other was about Reading and MT. Two breaks in between = two meals altogether.

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Personally, as the days go by. I feel rather depressed about a two things -- I don't want to do this but I just want to express it out and yeah.

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1) I'm starting to doubt my confidence in 'A' Levels.
2) Seriously, what happened to all my new friends?

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1) Well, either it's just me or that everyone feels MI is a horrible place to go do your 'A' Levels, like why didn't you got to a JC and instead go to MI? Well, firstly, I can't go to a JC because I don't have a L1R5 subject combination. Secondly, the Polytechnic courses that I've been offered were mostly engineering which was just plain boring and not my cup-of-tea. Well, that's somewhat gone past me, like, I really don't care now.

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But, I keep thinking of the worst-case scenarios like what if I don't do well or what if I can't handle or what if I slacken? Then, that leads to quitting MI. Now, I don't wanna quit MI because my parents' have spent money on uniform and I'm sure if I don't quit now, they're gonna spend way much more money on JC stuffs than now.

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But, I don't want to quit MI because 'A' Levels helps me to go to a university (in 3 years) and since I don't know what I really want now, it's better to just stay in a 3-year JC. So it's a kinda depressing thought like, "Argh, am I really going to do well?". It's not that I don't have confidence in myself, I just believe that good things may come once, twice, thrice but won't come the next time. No matter how cynical that sounds, that isn't a case of not being confident. It's a case of whether the amount of hard work I put in, will it be rewarding and will it shock me with bad results?

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2) Now, I'm not pissed. I'm just disappointed. Very disappointed. I DO NOT WANT to sound like some raging bitch and I just want to put across a point that I am really disappointed. This is to my Secondary School friends. It is sad that we were all once in a clique and we hung out doing different sorts of activities and then when school's over, everyone just goes their own ways and never contact each other again (not true for everyone in the clique lah).

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I feel that, as a friend, a true friend, one should be sincerely interested in what they've been doing with their lives after some period of time. And as I say this, it seriously makes me feel like some really sore bitch. I know it's ONLY been three weeks. But, over these three weeks, I have had lots of fun, I have made lots of friends. Who can I tell it to? The stupid blog & two friends asked me how was school. Now, it's not that I'm some anti-social back in my Secondary School days okay, I HAD friends, and I really was happy with that small number of friends.

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In my last year of SGSS, I made more new friends. And yeah, I was happy. But the close friends I had, seriously, if you guys regarded me as your friend, you'd definitely be asking me how school was like in the first week of school already. I mean, I KNOW, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU WANT US TO ASK YOU?

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Good question. I don't care. As much as it disappoints me, I'm the kind who moves on. So if you don't want to ask me how my school was, I'm seriously ok, I'm not a bitch who'd be like, "WHY THE FUCK AREN'T YOU NOT ASKING ME HOW SCHOOL WAS!". Hahaha, no, I'm not. Yes, I'll just wonder, "Sigh, why aren't my friends asking me about school". And and, you must be thinking, "Why didn't you tell me and why must I ask you?". Good question too. Firstly, I feel that, if I tell a person something, that person must be interested. There's absolutely no point in telling someone something they're not interested in. That brings me to the second point.

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I get paranoid and sometimes, because of that, I don't take initiatives -- for instance, I don't smile at you because I'm scared you didn't see or you won't smile back. So, if I tell you something and you'll be like, "OK". It'll hurt me further. Like, what the fuck, I wanna tell you something fun and you're just dissing me. Get my point? Read through these paragraphs again if you don't.

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So, main point: Why must I ask you and you not tell me? My answer is this, I want you to be sincere and be genuinely interested to know. If you're not, it's okay, really. I get it, I don't take it to heart, I move on and we move on with our lives.

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Plus, after reading this, I don't want you to just suddenly ask me like as if I forced you and made you feel guilty. YOU GUYS SERIOUSLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT. I'm not out to make you feel guilty, I just want you to know how it feels like to be in a position where your friends aren't showing their care and concern. Neglected? Not really. I have friends and it's alright, seriously.

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Every now and then, when I'm free, I ask a few friends how they are and yes, it's good to know and when a few friends ask me how I am, it feels good to tell them that.

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I want to make my stand clear, my only reason to say this is because I really just want you guys to understand my position. Just really appreciate these people, you know who you are, for being sincerely and genuinely interested in a friend who's bitching about how depressing life is. Hahahaha. So if you're really interested in your friend's life, genuinely. Ask them how life is. Don't ask them for the sake of clearing your guilt because that goes to show you're not sincere. If you're not interested, no one blames you and it's alright. I've done it before too.

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Now that's out of the system, I'm actually really feeling better. To my new friends who are reading this, I'm not always like this ok, hahahaha. And OMG, I actually sound like a total f**ker. I REALLY REALLY REALLY AM NOT OUT TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL GUILTY. I really really just want to let you guys know that friends should really catch up with each other so that the friendship doesn't go stale.